Loneliness and Aloneness

According to the 2000 census, roughly twenty-six percent of American households in America were designated as "one person" households. And worldwide, single person households account for nearly twelve percent of total households.

In Morocco, however, to live alone is unheard of. A son may live with his mother into his forties, or an unmarried sister may live with a married sister. I have seen an instance of up to four generations living together in a family compound. Other have commented on the situation on other blogs, and so anything that I say is merely further commentary on a subject that gets addressed on Peace Corps blogs every few months.

I like to tell people that I need my own place because I have sensitive ears and require "s-ifsti", which is Tamazight for silence. For the past four months, I have lived with two wonderful host families whose kids are awesome and sweet (if not a little mischievous), wives with wonderful culinary skills (even when you realize you are eating a certain animal body part that should not be named), and husbands who truly care about their wives (in America, there is a prejudice that Muslim countries have no respect for women - this cannot be further from the truth). To live by myself again after that time may seem strange. A disclaimer: yes, I lived with my father before coming here, but he was out of town a lot and though we would occasional talk and eat together, for the most part we just minded our business. From some women, I have already gotten the looks of pity with assurances that I will not go a day without bread and questions from men about my marital status, to which I wish I knew how to reply, "No sir, not me, I guarantee it. There must be more than this provincial life."

Though Moroccans are more abrupt about it, America is truly no different. There is a prejudice against people who live alone. How many news stories about serial killers and kids who shoot up schools speak of the "loner" personality? When I think of people who are alone, I think not of Columbine and serial killers, but of Greta Garbo and Emily Dickinson. People who enjoy their own company do not necessarily have to be sociopaths, do they?

Likewise, most people tend to confuse being alone with loneliness. Loneliness comes from not wanting to be alone. This can result in the type of person who jumps from relationship to relationship, or from friend to friend. This is the type of person scratches the surface of superficiality - they surround themselves with as many people as possible so as to avoid having to deal with the one person they do not wish to - themselves.

Aloneness, on the other hand, is merely the pleasure one takes when one knows oneself. One is able to plumb the depths of one's own consciousness and being and see within themselves the attributes of infinite numbers of people. Current psychology states that most hatred and prejudice - like racism and homophobia - come from an unwillingness to look into oneself and see those same characteristics within.

There is nothing wrong with being alone. But if you begin to feel lonely, just look inside the universe of yourself. Fly over the plains of your psyche; swim through the ocean of your subconscious; hike along the mountain trails of your imagination.

To those who wish to find relationships, just ask yourself why you want it? Do you want to be in a relationship because you are scared of being alone? I hate to tell you this, but if that is the case, then finding a partner under those pretenses will only serve to make you lonelier. Without having the opportunity to be alone and learn who you are in depth, how will you know how to do that with another person? Every time this discussion comes up, I always like to conclude with selections from one of my favorite sutras; Khaggavissana Sutra, which means Rhinoceros Horn:

For a sociable person
there are allurements;
on the heels of allurement, this pain.
Seeing allurement's drawback,
wander alone, a rhinoceros horn...

As a deer in the wilds,
unfettered,
goes for forage wherever it wants:
the wise person, valuing freedom,
wanders alone, a rhinoceros horn...

In the midst of companions
-- when staying at home,
when going out wandering --
you are prey to requests.
Valuing the freedom
that no one else covets,
wander alone, a rhinoceros horn...

If you gain a mature companion,
a fellow traveler, right-living and wise,
overcoming all dangers
go with him, gratified,
mindful...

We praise companionship
-- yes!
Those on a par, or better,
should be chosen as friends.
If they're not to be found,
living faultlessly,
wander alone, a rhinoceros horn...

"There's no way
that one delighting in company
can touch even momentary release."
Heeding the Solar Kinsman's words,
wander alone, a rhinoceros horn...

Transcending the contortion of views,
the sure way attained,
the path gained,
[realizing:]
"Unled by others,
I have knowledge arisen,"
wander alone, a rhinoceros horn...

People follow and associate
for a motive.
Friends without a motive these days
are rare.
They're shrewd for their own ends, and impure.
Wander alone, a rhinoceros horn.