Traveling, Pt. 4

Er Rachidia 4

It was cold as we left the Fulbright student’s house. It was a clear night, and I watched the stars of Orion and Canis Major. It was late, and the only sounds were our shoes hitting the road. I thought back to the dinner. Everyone loved the pizza, so I made sure to limit the amount I ate. Another volunteer had bought a nice cake at the restaurant in Er Rachidia. I knew there wasn’t enough for everyone, so I let the others have it. My friend turned to me as we walked down the street.

“Marcus,” my friend told me, “I am the one who wrote that card for “unconditional”.”

I looked up into the night sky. It wasn’t the fact that someone had written it that bothered me. It was the fact that it won. Everyone at the table looked at me for a moment and nodded their heads before the judge declared “Marcus’ love” as the winner for “unconditional”. Yes, I’m Buddhist. Yes, I tell them about meditation and how my ultimate goal is to be a Bodhisattva. I don’t know why it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because I don’t see myself as having reached that point yet.

I get angry. I get frustrated. And yes, I do tell myself that anger and frustration are to be utilized in a positive way, and to ultimately be supplanted with love. But to have someone outside of me identify me as having unconditional love makes me feel like I’m a fraud. Have I earned the right to have people tell me that I’m a good person? Do I really express my love and kindness unconditionally?

It’s strange, how one can have such opposing thoughts in a short period of time. In Esaouira, I felt transcendent as I pretended to fly over the Atlantic. In Rabat, I felt as though I was being crushed by the people. In Tinghir, I felt like I needed no one to tell me how to live my life. In Er Rachidia, however, when presented with the possibility that I am a good person, I withdraw.

Conclusion

I’m going to stay in my village. I need to let the men and women there know that just because I don’t match what they think of as a man I am useless. I need to let them know that it’s fine that I clean my house, that I cook and do laundry, that I read and write and sing. I have no right to impose my culture on them, but they have no right to tell me that I am living my life incorrectly. I am who I am, and they can accept that, even if they do so with curiosity.

I’m going to work in Er Rachidia more. I can speak to kids there and teach health lessons. I just met with some and we created a curriculum through May, until my family comes to visit and I visit Los Angeles. By the time my current schedule is complete, it will be down time in this country, and everything will shut down for a few months for Ramadan. By the time I need to make another schedule, I will be close to ending my service. These things will fall into place. I will go where I am needed. If I am needed in Er Rachidia to fulfill goal one, then so be it. If I am needed in my village to fulfill goals two and three, then so be it.

Because there is nothing to be attained, the Bodhisattva, relying on the Prajna Paramita, has no obstruction in his mind. ~The Heart Sutra